Sleepy talk

"Mummy, Katie's being a good hospital person."
"She is darling, yes".
"Mummy, I'm having porridge for breakfast. Katie doesn't know if there's raisins." Pause. "We'll just have to wait and see."
I love that Wotsit is praising Katie in the middle of the night as she sorts out his drip. I also agree - she's awesome. And I love that he's still thinking about food!

Beautiful, beautiful boy x

A new journey

Today we found out wotsit has leukaemia. He's been pale for a few weeks and tired. A few doctors appointments later, we're referred to the hospital for a blood test. Five hours later, three doctors enter the room and ask if I'd like to call anyone. That's when you know it's not good news.

Wotsit so far thinks it's one big adventure. Thinks it's brilliant we're having a sleepover in hospital. Tomorrow we'll find the best way to explain to a four year old that his white blood cells aren't working properly. And then we'll tell his brother.

I'm hoping this story will have a happy ending. I will not lose another child.

When I'm grown up I will forget you

Wotsit is now 4 and a half.  No less cheeky, no less gorgeous.

At bedtime tonight, I sang (Monkey's but now Wotsit's favourite goodnight song) Hush Little Baby.  And then,

Me: I love you
Wotsit: I love you too Mummy.  I'll always love you.  I'll always love you... until I forget you.
Me: You won't forget me darling.
Wotsit: I will.  When I'm grown up I will forget you.
Me: Sweetheart, you won't forget me, I haven't forgotten my Mummy and I'm grown up.
Wotsit (voice trembling):  But when I'm really really really old, I won't be able to remember you.
Me: Don't be sad my love, yes you will.
Wotsit: Not when I'm really really really really old.
Me:  But remember sweetheart, you can't forget me because I'll always be in your heart.
Wotsit:  I know but when you die Mummy I want to have a statue of you in the garden (if I have a garden) so I can always see you and never forget you.
Me: You could look at some pictures of Mummy.
Wotsit: I want a statue.
Me: Okay darling, I love you so much.
Wotsit: Night Mummy, I love you too. 

Well that's settled then Wotsit.  I hope you have an understanding wife... 

8th birthday reflections

Monkey would have been 8 today and I have not cried.  I think I've had less time to be self indulgent coupled with the fact that all of our photos are still in storage.  But I am sad.  Really really sad.  I think the tears are inevitable, they're just not forthcoming right now.

Having moved to a new area, it's been hard being surrounded by people who never knew Monkey and didn't know me in a Monkey world.  But there are some lovely people here and I have told a few people about my boy and two of them sent me a lovely message today.

It's been a year of change.  Change that would not have occurred without Monkey.  I no longer have a full time job, I pick my boys up from school every day, I help in their classes and I'm practically a fully qualified Homestart volunteer.  If it weren't for having Monkey and then losing him, I would not be where I am today.

Thank you beautiful boy.
x

And then I cried some more

So I'm training to be a homestart volunteer.  Inspired by monkey, I want to be able to make a difference to someone who might be in a similar situation to us a few years ago.  Homestart are a charity who match families with volunteers who help them in their home once a week.  The training is good; thought provoking.  At the first session we were asked to introduce oursleves to our neighbour.  I did and I told her about Monkey, Pickle & Wotsit.  When it was her turn to introduce me to the group, she didn't mention Monkey.  I completely understand why she may not have felt comfortable doing so but I now feel a little odd.  A bit like I'm denying he was ever here.

So this should be resolved next week.  The organiser has asked me to read a passage about how it feels to have a child with special needs.  There's a reading about planning to go to Venice but ending up in Holland.  I read it a few years ago when we had Monkey.  I thought it was good - it describes the sense of loss you might feel but also helps you to realise that Holland's not a bad place; just a different place.

I think I cried when I read it for the first time but after a while I thought yes, I like Holland, but I'd like to go to Venice too.  And that's when Pickle came along.

Anyway the point is, I've not read it for a while.  I think since before Alex died.  So I read it again.  Except I wasn't quite prepared for my reaction.  You see, I feel a bit like I've been banished from Holland, a place I once loved to be but now I don't belong there.  I can't go there.  Not in the same way.

Cue quite a lot of tears.  Good ones though, necessary ones.  Keeps me sane and helps me remember.

The good news?  From next week (whilst I may have cried in front of 14 women I barely know) I will at least no longer feel like I am denying Monkey.

Yesterday I cried

I'm driving the boys to the station to collect Daddy.  Wotsit has Alex bear with him (named after Alex the lion you understand). 

"Mummy, how old is Alex?"
"Alex bear?"
"No, Alex who would be our brother if he was alive."
"He'd be 7 sweetheart, nearly 8 - his birthday is just after Pickle's."
"That's not fair, he won't get any presents."
"Yes, he will" says Pickle "we can send him a balloon up in the sky."
"But how will it know which platform to stop at?"

Love you boys, all three of you.
x

Honoured

Unintentionally, I reached for one of my favourite tops this morning.  Comfy, slouchy GAP t-shirt.  I noticed a few holes in it (but wore it anyway).  It was only later today that I remembered I bought the top in my first shopping trip post Monkey dying.  It was noteworthy as shopping (like sex) was one of the frivolous activities that I couldn't bring myself to do for quite a while.  I made an exception for this top though as emblazoned across the front it said 'honoured'. And I felt honoured to have been Monkey's Mum.  And I still do. 

It's 5 years to the day since Monkey died. Ouch. Ouuuuch.  It's no wonder, the top has a few holes in it.