Sunday, 8 August 2010

You are always on my mind

Dear Monkey,

It is nearly 3 years since you died.  Yet I think of you often, and so do your brothers - even the one that never got to meet you (and looks a lot like you). 

This weekend, for example...

On Saturday, we visited Ben & Gillian and baby Sophia.  Some other friends were there with their children.  The eldest was 5 and he seemed so grown up.  And then I remembered that you would now be nearly six...

The journey home was long and frustrating.  Motorway closed - we took an alternative route.  I had a flashback to stopping at a pub on the way to the South Coast with you and your Daddy.  It was before Pickle was born.  We were going to Worthing.  Your Dad always fancied (and still does) living by the sea and we'd been looking for somewhere we could afford that looked nice.  I wanted to be somewhere that would be good for you too.  Lots of fresh air, wheelchair access and good NHS facilities.  We walked along the sea front and went to a Chinese restaurant for tea.  I love it when there's something I'd forgotten that jumps into my head - a memory discovered.

Your brothers climbed into our bed this morning and Wotsit was looking at my mobile phone.  The screensaver is a picture of Pickle pretending to sleep.  Wotsit says 'Alex'.  I tell him it's not you but he insists it is.  Funny that Wotsit is actually the one who looks like you.  Extra big kiss for Wotsit for learning your name and thinking of you.

We are selling some things on ebay, including the double mountain buggy that we bought for you and Pickle.  For a while, it was hard to know how to go out with the pair of you.  We were trying so hard to get some supportive seating for you.  I'd written a few snotty letters to wheelchair services!  But we needed to get out.  It was not ideal and I know it wasn't supportive enough for you but it did us for a while and you looked like you loved it.  And we could go off road!  We walked to Old Harry's Rocks with you in that pushchair and made daisy chains at the top.  And Daddy and I took you for a walk in the countryside when we first moved here.  It was reasonably disasterous!  The ground had been churned up by horses and it was sticky clay, we got lost and there were a couple of stiles to lift you both over!  I may not have been smiling on the day but today the memory made me smile a lot.

At the end of the day, we were having some wind down time with cbeebies.  I have a son on each side, snuggling up.  I said 'who is the luckiest Mummy with 2 gorgeous boys?'  Pickle replied 'not you Mummy, you have 3 gorgeous boys'.

We love you

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