The gist of it was...

I've not felt terribly happy. And not because Monkey's not here (I want him here but I can be happy whilst wanting him here). Just some kind of internal struggle with being a good Mum, being good at my job, husband's job being at risk, wanting more from life, pressure, pressure, pressure. All self generated. I think I was happier when Monkey was here. Don't get me wrong, life with a severely disabled child can be tricky, but I had a reasonably clear role. Haven't quite worked out what mine is/should be yet. Not great with ambiguity (or so my boss tells me).

Am in the last throes of putting together a photo book capturing much of last year. And on reflection (I know you don't take pictures of the miserable/mundane moments) have realised (better late than never) I am happy! Here's my little summary which is going on the front page:

Starting with Christmas 2008 at Pear Tree Cottage and finishing with Christmas 2009 in Pxxxx. With lots in between... in no particular order. Raising money for Keech Hospice Care dressed as Santa and dressed to impress at the Butterfly Ball. The arrival of Baby B in January. A year in which Pickle still loved his builder's helmet and Wotsit loved muslin squares. A fair bit of snow and a broken arm for Big B. Knoll House of course, with the Fxxxx & Fxxx tribe. Lots of parties. Lots of friends. Lots of days out. Picnics. A Christening. An impromptu visit from Grandma. Wotsit's 1st birthday and Pickle's 3rd. Axx turned 21 and Nxxxx was 40. A grown up weekend away in the New Forest. A lovely family getaway - farm holiday near Southwold with Grandma. The arrival of the chickens. Lots of fun with 'The Usual Suspects'. Walls knocked down. Walls put up. I returned to work. Father Christmas bought Pickle the oven gloves he'd hoped for. The boys grew up (and so did the girls). Happy days and someone missing xxx

So, my belated New Years Resolution is to remember to enjoy the moments whilst I'm in them.