To Monkey's Dad

You don't get mentioned here very often so I thought I'd write you a short note. We've had some good news this week, you have been offered a job. You had a second interview on Monday which you were reasonably confident about before you went. The interview started at 2pm and when I hadn't heard from you at 5pm, I was guessing that was a good sign. And it was.

I picked the boys up from nursery and they were reasonably vile! By the time you got home with the champagne, I was in tears. I kept trying to congratulate you but I couldn't get excited and I couldn't describe how I was feeling. Which was reasonably miserable. You see, it isn't the first time you have needed to look for a new job because the one you were doing wasn't going so well. And that's fine. I understand that. But I get scared that it's something of a vicious circle. In an ideal world this isn't the kind of work you would do. You'd be a gentleman farmer or an estate manager. We've looked at alternative options/alternative lifestyles but we can't find what we're looking for (or we can't afford it!). I've offered to be the sole breadwinner. Selfishly, I don't want that, I'd like to spend more time with the boys (however vile they can be!) and you don't want it either. But it would give us the stability that I crave.

However, if you insist on working, then I want to plan my dream (which I think you share). I want to be able to pick the boys up from school, do their homework with them and generally be a bit of a nuisance to them. Before they grow up. Whilst they are at school, I want to help some families who either have children with special needs or who have lost a child. I want to honour Monkey's memory in this way.

But I am scared of being disappointed. I love you.