Summing it up

I've been wanting to blog for a while but my Mum's been staying and somehow I don't feel I can blog when she's here.  Too worried she'll want to read it! 

Anyway, I wanted to record this message a friend sent to me soon after Wotsit's diagnosis - it summed up well just how I was feeling.

"It doesn't seem fair that you and Ben have another trial to go through after the heartache of losing darling Monkey.  This parenting lark has not been kind to you two... Our worst moment has only been a broken arm.  I don't believe in God so I can't pray for Wotsit but I wish with all my heart for a full and speedy recovery."

If I stay in bed...

Do you ever think, if I stay in bed and don't get up to face this day then maybe it won't happen? Today is one of those days.

I slept at home last night (7.5hrs of precious, uninterrupted sleep) so that I can take Pickle back to school and explain to his and Wotsit's teachers about the leukaemia. The thought of facing everyone at school who, on the face of it at least, will be going about their normal uncomplicated lives, is making me feel sick.

Then, later, I'll head back to hospital before Wotsit goes down to theatre to have 3 procedures under general anaesthetic. A bone marrow sample, a lumbar puncture to check no leukaemia has made it into the central nervous system and a shot of chemo for good measure to stop it going there. Finally, a semi permanent line will be put in his arm. He will wake up sore and grumpy.

I know it's what needs to happen and it's all helping Wotsit get better but somehow my bed seems more appealing. However, seeing as I can't stop time, here we go. Let's start this day.

Today

Wotsit told me it has been a good day. Not bad for a little boy who knows that his white blood cells are being naughty. Pickle also took the news well and asked lots of really good questions.

Wotsit has charmed a ward full of nurses and Pickle has demonstrated, as ever, that he is an amazing big brother.

I've phoned a lot of people and texted others, confirming again what I already knew - our friends are amazing too.

I've cried some* tears today. I think the realisation of what's to follow is sinking in and I'm sad about the impact this will have on my children's childhood.

Some good news tonight though. We are being transferred to the Royal Marsden tomorrow and the leukaemia appears to be ALL which is the most common and curable form with a 90% survival rate. Whilst our luck (clearly) isn't legendary, we are hoping for the best.

Night night x

*bucket loads

Sleepy talk

"Mummy, Katie's being a good hospital person."
"She is darling, yes".
"Mummy, I'm having porridge for breakfast. Katie doesn't know if there's raisins." Pause. "We'll just have to wait and see."
I love that Wotsit is praising Katie in the middle of the night as she sorts out his drip. I also agree - she's awesome. And I love that he's still thinking about food!

Beautiful, beautiful boy x

A new journey

Today we found out wotsit has leukaemia. He's been pale for a few weeks and tired. A few doctors appointments later, we're referred to the hospital for a blood test. Five hours later, three doctors enter the room and ask if I'd like to call anyone. That's when you know it's not good news.

Wotsit so far thinks it's one big adventure. Thinks it's brilliant we're having a sleepover in hospital. Tomorrow we'll find the best way to explain to a four year old that his white blood cells aren't working properly. And then we'll tell his brother.

I'm hoping this story will have a happy ending. I will not lose another child.

When I'm grown up I will forget you

Wotsit is now 4 and a half.  No less cheeky, no less gorgeous.

At bedtime tonight, I sang (Monkey's but now Wotsit's favourite goodnight song) Hush Little Baby.  And then,

Me: I love you
Wotsit: I love you too Mummy.  I'll always love you.  I'll always love you... until I forget you.
Me: You won't forget me darling.
Wotsit: I will.  When I'm grown up I will forget you.
Me: Sweetheart, you won't forget me, I haven't forgotten my Mummy and I'm grown up.
Wotsit (voice trembling):  But when I'm really really really old, I won't be able to remember you.
Me: Don't be sad my love, yes you will.
Wotsit: Not when I'm really really really really old.
Me:  But remember sweetheart, you can't forget me because I'll always be in your heart.
Wotsit:  I know but when you die Mummy I want to have a statue of you in the garden (if I have a garden) so I can always see you and never forget you.
Me: You could look at some pictures of Mummy.
Wotsit: I want a statue.
Me: Okay darling, I love you so much.
Wotsit: Night Mummy, I love you too. 

Well that's settled then Wotsit.  I hope you have an understanding wife... 

8th birthday reflections

Monkey would have been 8 today and I have not cried.  I think I've had less time to be self indulgent coupled with the fact that all of our photos are still in storage.  But I am sad.  Really really sad.  I think the tears are inevitable, they're just not forthcoming right now.

Having moved to a new area, it's been hard being surrounded by people who never knew Monkey and didn't know me in a Monkey world.  But there are some lovely people here and I have told a few people about my boy and two of them sent me a lovely message today.

It's been a year of change.  Change that would not have occurred without Monkey.  I no longer have a full time job, I pick my boys up from school every day, I help in their classes and I'm practically a fully qualified Homestart volunteer.  If it weren't for having Monkey and then losing him, I would not be where I am today.

Thank you beautiful boy.
x