In previous years, the 9th of November has always been a day of remembering for me. I've always taken the day off work, if it's a work day, and had a day's reflection. Remembering the 9th November 2004 when Monkey made me a Mum. I look at photos, videos, hospital letters. I read this blog or take a visit to www.specialkidsintheuk.org and catch up with some 'Monkey' acquaintances. I keep some sparklers (when I remember!) and we often light them on the 9th but only I know why. I spell the names of all my children, tying them together in one of the only ways I can.
It's a day when I smile a bit and cry a lot. It's a day when I am so grateful for having had Monkey and so sad at having lost him.
It's not a day that I normally share with the children. I don't tend to wake up saying 'Today would have been Monkey's birthday'. I don't want them to have that responsibility of thinking about how that means they should behave on that day. In years to come, I don't want them to resent, in any way, my own feelings about the day. I don't want them to say 'you always made us do this or that...'.
But, this year will be different. Wotsit has been asking about Monkey's birthday. He wants to know when it is and he wants to celebrate it. I've drawn the line at presents but I am planning on (asking husband to make) an enormous chocolate cake!